Chapter Twelve, "Expensive Grace"

Today is Halloween. Aimee has reflected on Halloween over at the "Mortification of Spin" podcast as has AlbertMohler.com's "The Briefing" podcast.

I have come to the last chapter of  Housewife Theologian by Aimee Byrd. I have finished the book that was intended to take twelve months and be discussed in a group of women. I read this last chapter in the middle of the night, a hard time in my caregiving journey with my husband's Alzheimer's and my reflections begin below. The Journaling Questions from pp. 239-240 are in red and my answers are in black.

• What was your utopian vision of marriage and your future as a Christian? Possibly the "happily every after" myth. Marriage will make life easier. 
• Dating is a preparation and training time before marriage. How often in your dating relationships did you forsake all you had to give for a bowl of pottage? Have you continued this behavior in your marriage? How is this symbolic of your discipleship?
• Where are you affections out of balance? I wrestle with depression these days as a caregiver. I want my cross to be easy and it is not. I need to accept the role of a senior citizen whose husband is going down hill. How can human affections be a bad thing, and how must they change for a disciple of Christ? I need to accept that cross that is before me. 
• Have you ever considered your status as a Christian to have costly consequences? Think of a time where you have grown spiritually from enduring an affliction faithfully. Was the outcome what you expected? Measure the value of what you have lost to that which you have gained. I have and I am. 
• How does a theology of the cross completely contradict the so-called American spirituality of our culture? What does the world tell us to desire as opposed to what Christ tells us to desire? Brene Brown, best-seller spiritualist whom is featured on Oprah, says to accept shame. On the other hand, Christ tells us to deal with sin by confessing and  coming to His cross. Dr. Brown totally misses the mark, but I am reading her book The Gift of Imperfection to understand people who quote her at Toastmasters. 
• How do you see cheap grace being offered in much of contemporary evangelicalism? How is this a great challenge for the church today? I am in a Reformed church now and do not know how cheap grace is being offered. 
• If the profession of the gospel demands the cross, how do many so-called Christian messages being taught and preached today completely miss the mark? "Your best life now" ideas certainly miss the mark.  My best life will be in heaven when I lay my crown at His feet. 
• In what ways does this Scripture in Luke 14:25-33 contradict the cultural obsession with independence and competency? Whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. This concept has so hit me and blessed me with this chapter 12. 
• How does affliction lead us to the cross? There is nothing to do for our heavy load but accept my cross of suffering, follow Christ and become His disciple. 
• What is the danger of confusing gospel with law? What I can do and preform is the law. Taking up the cross of suffering is the gospel of grace, expensive grace. I get it. 
• If you are single, what presuppositions do you have about housewives? When I was single, which I was until I was 40, I thought that housewives were wonderful but boring. Do you think that there are similarities in the world's view of housewives and their view of Christians? Yep. 
• In what ways does your role in marriage symbolize our Scripture passage? I have been thinking about being myself in all of life, not putting on airs, and yes coming to the cross. Still being "me" has to be transformed into being that disciple that is willing to accept suffering. Being willing to accept suffering I am sure is a key to my depression that has encircled me of late as my husband's dementia has gotten worse. I have to accept enough theology to realize this. As I pour over lamenting passages of Scripture, such as many in the Psalms, I realize that He will bear me up as I bear that cross.  

Aimee writes,

So in this final chapter, I hope to prove all those wrong who claim that doctrine and theology are impractical, and I will do so my using the words of a so-called stuffy theologian from the sixteenth century, John Calvin himself, to help us ordinary housewives. . . . Calvin suggests that so many of us give in to even the smallest temptations because we have this false, ideological picture of an easy Christian life. He warms us, "No man will ever become fit to serve Christ till he has undergone a long preparation for warfare."  (p. 227-228)

My husband once owned Calvin's Institutes, but in simplifying our library my husband was willing to part with many books and our collective theological library has been pared down and is collecting dust on the bookshelves. I am glad that our Associate Pastor got the Institutes, and that I can benefit from the theology in his sermons.

Can I be a caregiver theologian? Put it simply, 

I can as I accept the suffering laid out before me. 

Calvin, via Aimee, has at least taught me that. 

Thank you, Aimee Byrd, for taking me on this journey applying theology in my life. Now for the hard part--taking up that caregiving cross willingly. Yet He has promised His burden is light. 

Chapter Four, "Hear Me Roar"

Author Aimee Byrd writes:

I continually have to lay down who I think I am or who I want to be if it is anything different from God's plan for me to be transformed into the image of his Son. (p. 71)

By now maybe you have purchased Housewife Theologian by Aimee Byrd. The Journaling Questions from pp. 91-92 are in red and my answers are in black.

• Think about my statement, "We are all abnormal." As Christians, how does this apply to our pilgrimage in this world? We need God for our holiness, and "finding ourselves" is very subjective. He is taking us on a journey where we absolutely need Him. How does this affect our identity? When my identity is in Christ alone, I do not need to have some outside validation for my joy and chasing happiness is not worth it. 
• Why is it that if we look for our self, we will find only "hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay"? Has there been a time in your life when you had a dream or ambition that wasn't really wrong in itself, but nonetheless you knew it was wrong for you to pursue? Yes-teaching Reading in high school to unmotivated students who maybe should have learned to read earlier. I worked hard at it, but it never really clicked. I really needed to be retired and be there for my husband who was developing memory issues. Our home life needed me so desperately. It still does, and I am blessed to have help so I can continue to make money we need through substitute teaching and teaching a class for DUI offenders, but be off on days for doctor's appointments. 
• How is the ideology of feminism opposed to biblical femininity? Aimee points out that men and women both make up the image of God. It is not just one sex. There is a difference in how each is gifted. 
• Assignment: Record how many commercials, conversations, TV shows, etc., portray the feminist idea of men being useless and less intelligent than women. I will listen, but do not watch TV much at all. 
• What do you think of Elisabeth Elliot's comment that the essence of femininity is surrender? I have to surrender to what the LORD has for me at this time in my life, not run away from it or cry "poor me". Daily I do see His faithfulness, although at times it is really hard. I cannot throw my hands up in despair. Aimee writes: Submission does not equal passivity, In chapter one we learned about our active responsibility as helpers. God gifts us diversely for this role, but as Elliot points out, we need to be content and stop trying incessantly to have it all. (p. 80)
• What special gifts has God given you as a woman? A really strange thing has happened in my life in the last several years. I am "MC AC The Rap Lady" on YouTube and believe that my niece and nephew are putting up many of my raps there this next year. I "rap" at the end of good classes when I substitute teach and have impacted young lives with those raps I have written on topics such as facing boredom, bullies, using your mind and not just your emotions, not swearing and addiction. One young person wrote on YouTube that I should do a rap on youth being addicted to porn and I did put that topic in my addiction rap.  How are you using them to serve those around you? Rapping helps me identify with youth and get their attention. Even out in public young people come up and ask me if I am the lady that raps. Students tell me they are no longer a "drama queen" or a bully because of my raps.  Are you distracted by chasing gifts that you do not have? Probably so. I can't do it all, but many times I overbook. I think I can get two quilts made by December and maintain a lovely home. (Sarcastic) Right!!
• What would be an acceptable Christian definition of being "sexy?" Why do you think that the world's view of "sexy" is so genitally oriented? Randy Alcorn, my first cousin's husband, writes HERE with sexual purity admonitions. 
• Journal some examples of how your past and present sexual behavior reflects on your sexual identity.
• Are you sending the right messages to those around you with your sexuality? What are some ways that a man confirms the gospel message by his outer strength and inner softness? How does a woman do this by her outer softness and inner strength?
• What are some boundaries that you can set to protect your sexuality? Some examples: As a married woman, I do not eat alone or ride in a car alone with other men unless my husband is aware of the circumstance and is comfortable with it. He does the same for me, respecting that those can be intimate moments, even when they are not intended to be so. We also have a boundary never to discuss any argument or marital conflict with the opposite sex. It is unwise to seek counseling in this manner from a friend of the opposite sex. Many times affairs begin this way because the "listening" friend appears more understanding and helpful than your spouse. As a single woman, what are some good boundaries? Secular counselors such as Dr. Ruth say it is okay to have a lover if your spouse has Alzheimer's. I totally disagree. 
• Are you comfortable with your imperfections? Getting there. If you are married, are you at ease with your imperfections, particularly in intimacy with your husband? Yes. He is a sweetheart who accepts and loves me as I am. How would be be divinizing one another if there were perfection in this area?
• What do you believe will survive from our sexuality in heaven? How does this impact your view of your sexuality now? In heaven I will be Christ's bride. 
• How does your intimacy with your husband show forth in your behavior with others?I have noticed that people enjoy the admiration my husband and I have for each other. For example, I have been told that when I speak at Toastmasters my husband just looks at me with admiration. How does your intimacy with God show forth in your behavior with others? Hopefully they can see the beauty of Jesus in me. 
• Have you settled? I have not settled for an unbeliever as a husband. When I was a widow, it took eight years to find a godly husband again and I know that my husband is part of God's plan for my life. Fortunately I was never in a position to be exploited sexually. Thank you, LORD. What lies have you bought and sold concerning your sexuality? 

Aimee writes near the end of the chapter:

An unbeliever will not understand the hidden intimacy that a Christian has with God any more than a person who has never been in love will understand the chemistry between husband and wife. But they will notice something of it from our behavior. It is an intimacy that transforms, that is visible. (p. 90)

Buyer Protection

Is it every woman's right to find a man, even one outside of marriage? No! Buyer beware. Is it every man's right to ignore biblical standards and opt for sex outside of marriage? No! Buyer beware.

A lady stops by our garage sale and she proudly reveals she is living with her boyfriend. They both met at a grief support group, having both lost their spouses. I offer my sympathies. She buys some of my gentle used clothes to wear to a church function I find out. Buyer beware. I ask this stranger about marriage. She says that the boyfriend is not ready. But she has sold her home and moved in with him! Someone is ready for marriage, but he is not. What is she buying in their collective grief? Perhaps more heart break. “Things start as hopes and end up as habits,” says Lillian Hellman.

Another Christian couple chooses sex before marriage because marriage just isn't convenient now. She is lonely and he doesn't want to be pushed. Buyer beware. She runs the risk of being used, abused, and left without recourse and with regret. She doesn't seem to care, although earlier she wanted marriage. How, pray tell, can that man become the spiritual leader he is meant to be if he can't obey Scripture? Why would he be Mr. Right for her?

The current philosophy seems to be people are basically good and there is no problem with sex outside of marriage for people who love each other. What could be wrong with love? they ask.

eBay sent me this message via e-mail:

After 15 years, we still believe in our founding philosophy: people are basically good. After all, how else could perfect strangers successfully trade with one another millions of times a day? This is what makes eBay so unique. But we also know things don't always go right. That's why we created eBay Buyer Protection. It's our way of saying, "We've got you covered."

The Bible is the Christian's buyer protection.

• Go and sin no more is what Christ told the woman at the well in John 4. He had faith to believe that she could live a moral lifestyle. She had the commitment to change also because she told everyone in town.
• Shun immorality, Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6. Don't go that route.
• In the parable of the sower in Matthew 13, we see that some "Christians" can receive the word with joy on their rocky ground, but then fall away. Perhaps they were never elect as the previous post indicates, and their immorality is just the proof.
• Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness we read in Matthew 6:33, and then all these things will be added to you.

Buyer beware. Often it is the woman who is lonely who can't wait for God's plan. The man isn't ready for a commitment and she compromises. Did that seed of the Word fall on fertile soil or rocky soil? The fruit appears for a time while it is convenient, but in the heat of passion or loneliness that fruit is gone. Are we talking Christians here? We are talking a couple who are not honoring God in a basic human relationship and we wonder where the fruit is. Buyer beware.

What will help the couple with no legal sanctions if one dies? The children from a previous marriage or their family will benefit financially and the grief of the remaining man/woman will go unacknowledged. Buyer beware.

I have nothing to say to those who are following Hollywood and coupling outside of marriage. I am talking to those who profess Christianity. The Bible tells us to judge not that we be not judged in Matthew 7:7, you say. Yes, one can take a favorite Scripture and make a case. But you have to take all of Scripture and need wisdom from counselors as suggested in Proverbs. Later in that same chapter in Matthew Christ points out that just because people claim to have a profession of faith, it may not be and to them He says I never knew you. Depart from me, you evildoers. Hollywood can have their immorality.

Christ told us that our Father in Heaven will give good things to those who ask Him in Matthew 7:11, but we dare not grab those good things ahead of His best plan for us. Buyer beware. Have self-respect that rises above loneliness, Christians. Do not buy into these lies. Repent, wait, and get into the Word and fellowship with believers. See How to Pray for a Future Husband.

Even eBay believes in sin and has a protection plan. Read the Bible's protection plan.